An old card I had finished that with, ... now if I could only find my pencil. Well, don't need a pencil but I've have had a few thoughts and even composed a couple of posts but never got around to typing them. So here's a few of the things I've been telling you, in my mind.
Talia posted a lovely picture of herself and a couple of friends at ONU in front of a Christmas tree. Nice picture, but what stood out to me was the sweater she was wearing. It is one I gave her a about a year ago and is the one I've been dragging around since about her age. I don't think she realizes how old it is - it was Auntie Nell's. Still looks good - even better on her than me - and has some good wool to keep her warm in that much colder climate.
Went into Costco Carlsbad several months ago - before Halloween - and Christmas was in full force there with cards & wrapping and decorations & toys. There were end caps and several rows dedicated to it. It was one of the few times I've gone somewhere that instantly made me miss you. I'm sure you would have gone down each row to see what they had. I didn't make time for it - maybe next time.
I have cut the cord with cable and am very surprised to find I like the shows streamed. I'm using Hulu. I'm not sure you would like it - I cannot fast forward through commercials (ha ha!); however, most commercial breaks are one or two short commercials so it is not too bad. I keep flinching, though, at commercial time to look for the remote to fast forward through the commercials. Evening news was a bit of a problem since I found that I cannot get reception without an outdoor antenna, but I found I could stream it on the computer. And, then I got Google Chromecast and can transfer it to the TV. Works that way for some of your favorite CBS shows (e.g., NCIS) too as they are not found on Hulu. I'm hoping to save a bit of money- keeping house is expensive and the debt is growing. Hopefully, not for long.
Just me - missing you.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Friday, October 17, 2014
Decisions, Dominoes, & Idiots
Hey Mom,
I should have jotted this down the other day when I had this thought. I'll probably mangle it now, but I'll give it a try. In a realization that seemed to fit more with a contrived TV or book plot than real life, I could see how one decision lead to a number of incidences that lead to an abysmal outcome. It really seemed like life's decisions were a series of dominoes stacked up to be knocked over coming eventually to their conclusion. I have never had that perspective before. Don't know if that is from a lack of self-reflection or a lack of incidences that would lead to that. In the end, my conclusion was that I am an idiot and the decisions I made cost the life of my sweet Louie. That realization just crushed what was left of my broken heart.
I was ruminating on my problem with Charlie. It was stupid of me to go rescue him when he called from El Centro. I should have left him there - or told him to go to the hospital there to get some help for whatever his intestinal issue was. Instead, I stupidly drove out there and back to bring him to the ER here. I had no plans to have him come back and live at the house, in fact, I dropped him at a hospital 40-ish miles away thinking that they (or a behavioral health facility) would house him for a few days so he could dry out and sober up a little. The ER doctor thought they would admit him, so off I went only to have them street him 5 hours later.
He, of course, had no place to go and no plans for finding a place (and, I would say, no desire to either). He made no contact with his mental health providers. And I was not smart enough to lock the garage door before leaving that morning. He called to say he wanted to pick up a few things and with only a few hours of sleep, maybe that accounts for me saying okay, but by the time I got home from work, he was camped out on the couch and drunk. I could not get him to leave, to stop drinking, or to stop smoking in the house - he actually burnt the couch and melted part of the TV remote. He continued to moan and groan about how sick he felt, but everyday, would go out and get more booze while I was away at work. Every night, I had to get up several times to make sure doors were closed. He took over your room and made it a mess. When the kids finally came down for Comic Con, all they wanted to see your room as it should have been, to see the house as you would have kept it, and all I had was a drunk slob messing up everything. I asked him to leave. He refused - he felt he had some kind of right to stay because "his kids were coming". I considered calling the Sheriffs - I probably should have- it would have been so much better for me if I had.
It was the first night the kids were there. Charlie was drunk, and as he has so many times in the past, left the shutters open on the screen door. Louie just opened the screen and went out. I was in my room with the kids, noticed Louie wasn't around about 9 pm and went to look for him. I found the screen door open and Louie gone. He was no where in the back yard. I heard all sorts of excuses from Charlie like: it was only a couple of minutes to I came in just 10 minutes ago to trying to blame one of the boys. I looked and called every couple of hours - I never saw him again.
The key dominoes were: a decision to go to El Centro and bring him back to the ER, a yes to letting him "pick up" a few things, and a decision not to call the Sheriffs. A short domino chain, but an awful one.
I miss you always, but especially through all that.
I should have jotted this down the other day when I had this thought. I'll probably mangle it now, but I'll give it a try. In a realization that seemed to fit more with a contrived TV or book plot than real life, I could see how one decision lead to a number of incidences that lead to an abysmal outcome. It really seemed like life's decisions were a series of dominoes stacked up to be knocked over coming eventually to their conclusion. I have never had that perspective before. Don't know if that is from a lack of self-reflection or a lack of incidences that would lead to that. In the end, my conclusion was that I am an idiot and the decisions I made cost the life of my sweet Louie. That realization just crushed what was left of my broken heart.
I was ruminating on my problem with Charlie. It was stupid of me to go rescue him when he called from El Centro. I should have left him there - or told him to go to the hospital there to get some help for whatever his intestinal issue was. Instead, I stupidly drove out there and back to bring him to the ER here. I had no plans to have him come back and live at the house, in fact, I dropped him at a hospital 40-ish miles away thinking that they (or a behavioral health facility) would house him for a few days so he could dry out and sober up a little. The ER doctor thought they would admit him, so off I went only to have them street him 5 hours later.
He, of course, had no place to go and no plans for finding a place (and, I would say, no desire to either). He made no contact with his mental health providers. And I was not smart enough to lock the garage door before leaving that morning. He called to say he wanted to pick up a few things and with only a few hours of sleep, maybe that accounts for me saying okay, but by the time I got home from work, he was camped out on the couch and drunk. I could not get him to leave, to stop drinking, or to stop smoking in the house - he actually burnt the couch and melted part of the TV remote. He continued to moan and groan about how sick he felt, but everyday, would go out and get more booze while I was away at work. Every night, I had to get up several times to make sure doors were closed. He took over your room and made it a mess. When the kids finally came down for Comic Con, all they wanted to see your room as it should have been, to see the house as you would have kept it, and all I had was a drunk slob messing up everything. I asked him to leave. He refused - he felt he had some kind of right to stay because "his kids were coming". I considered calling the Sheriffs - I probably should have- it would have been so much better for me if I had.
It was the first night the kids were there. Charlie was drunk, and as he has so many times in the past, left the shutters open on the screen door. Louie just opened the screen and went out. I was in my room with the kids, noticed Louie wasn't around about 9 pm and went to look for him. I found the screen door open and Louie gone. He was no where in the back yard. I heard all sorts of excuses from Charlie like: it was only a couple of minutes to I came in just 10 minutes ago to trying to blame one of the boys. I looked and called every couple of hours - I never saw him again.
The key dominoes were: a decision to go to El Centro and bring him back to the ER, a yes to letting him "pick up" a few things, and a decision not to call the Sheriffs. A short domino chain, but an awful one.
I miss you always, but especially through all that.
The UC and the future of its master plan
Attended a lecture the other day that you would have
loved to hear -- the Future of the California Model of Higher Education. I debated not going, but it only seemed right
that I should go. Not too many folks
attended. I saw a few librarians and the university registrar (he's a “train friend”) - I'm guessing that most of the others are faculty. It is
one talk in a series (the Clark Kerr lectures) that happens every couple of
years – most of them done at Berkeley.
However, this one is here at UCSD.
Is it ageism to say that one of the introductory speakers
looks like he might have been a colleague of Clark Kerr? The speaker for today was Simon Marginson. He has done a lot of research into higher ed
and had some interesting ideas for where it might go in the future. He seems to really be impressed with the plans that Kerr laid out and sees it as not only a plan for California but also internationally. One thing he said that surprised me, but made
sense, is that UCSD was designed as an experimental campus. I’ve always wondered about why the campus has
6 distinct colleges, and this might just explain that. If you were still here, I think you would
have liked to read a book he mentioned that Kerr wrote – Uses of the
University. Maybe I’ll buy it anyway and add to
your books on the california master plan. I think
you would have enjoyed hearing this talk.
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Hey Mom,
Happy Birthday, a bit late. I'm glad it was a work day for me so I didn't have time to focus on your absence, just enough time to think about you and appreciate our time together. George called - just checking in and remembering what day it was. He was a little sad, I could hear it in his voice. I know you two were not as close the last few years, but he called to think about & remember you on your day. He continues to ask about Louie who has never come home. He likes to think about him having found another family to live with, which is a nice way to think about it. It has been very painful without him - he was such a cuddler - and I miss that.
It has always been difficult getting you something for your birthday, and it still is. However, I decided that I could check in on some of your friends, so I called Mary Rae for you. It was nice to chat with her. She knew it was your birthday - she wasn't sure where the email came from but I think it was a Facebook email. She asked about your roses and all sorts of things she remembered about you - from the garden to your grandkids. You had a good friend in her, but I think you knew that.
You won't believe it, but San Diego is finally having a summer like you would remember and of course, everyone here is just beside themselves - it is too hot! It really has been pretty warm, but it feels like summer. Since it is warm here, the Valley is extremely hot, of course. George said that on Monday one of the kids parents at school said it was 113 degrees. Now that is toasty!
Well, it is time for bed. Just thinking about you - wish you were here.
Happy Birthday, a bit late. I'm glad it was a work day for me so I didn't have time to focus on your absence, just enough time to think about you and appreciate our time together. George called - just checking in and remembering what day it was. He was a little sad, I could hear it in his voice. I know you two were not as close the last few years, but he called to think about & remember you on your day. He continues to ask about Louie who has never come home. He likes to think about him having found another family to live with, which is a nice way to think about it. It has been very painful without him - he was such a cuddler - and I miss that.
It has always been difficult getting you something for your birthday, and it still is. However, I decided that I could check in on some of your friends, so I called Mary Rae for you. It was nice to chat with her. She knew it was your birthday - she wasn't sure where the email came from but I think it was a Facebook email. She asked about your roses and all sorts of things she remembered about you - from the garden to your grandkids. You had a good friend in her, but I think you knew that.
You won't believe it, but San Diego is finally having a summer like you would remember and of course, everyone here is just beside themselves - it is too hot! It really has been pretty warm, but it feels like summer. Since it is warm here, the Valley is extremely hot, of course. George said that on Monday one of the kids parents at school said it was 113 degrees. Now that is toasty!
Well, it is time for bed. Just thinking about you - wish you were here.
Monday, August 18, 2014
My World is Small
Hey Mom,
Went to Talia's show last week - her last one before she leaves for ONU. She did very well. It was a production of the muscial 9 to 5 - she was Violet. One of the Valley's community newsletters did a write up for the show, but surprisingly, it was mostly about Talia. She must have a fan there. Here, look:
Before the show, I met Neal for dinner at a restaurant at the Northridge Mall. I got there early, so walked around a bit. Boy has that mall changed! I have only seen it from the outside for the past 15 or so years and knew things had changed inside, but it is very different. I also realized that I recognized only a handful of stores inside.
I was thinking - when was the last time I actually strolled through a mall? I checked out the Mall of American when MLA was in Minnesota, but that was 3 years ago and I don't even remember the time before that. There were a couple of times when I needed a specific store at a mall - but I went to them directly. So, my shopping consists of Costco, grocery store, and occasionally Target. The mall made me feel old and out of touch. My typical shopping pattern - or at least thinking of it - made me feel that my world was very small. As I thought of the rest of my life, my entire world felt small. It took me a while to figure out what made me feel that way Shopping was just one aspect of that, but I'm not much of a shopper, so it is not the shopping. I think it was the out-of-touch feel of not recognizing the current "pop culture" or trends that were there. But it was an odd realization to feel so out of place,and out of time. I know, easy to say, change it if you don't like that. However, I'm not ready to do that quite yet. It is very hard for an introvert to do that and I just don't have the energy (or the desire yet) to make that change.
My world was a little bigger when you were here, sure wish you were still here.
Its just me.
Went to Talia's show last week - her last one before she leaves for ONU. She did very well. It was a production of the muscial 9 to 5 - she was Violet. One of the Valley's community newsletters did a write up for the show, but surprisingly, it was mostly about Talia. She must have a fan there. Here, look:
Before the show, I met Neal for dinner at a restaurant at the Northridge Mall. I got there early, so walked around a bit. Boy has that mall changed! I have only seen it from the outside for the past 15 or so years and knew things had changed inside, but it is very different. I also realized that I recognized only a handful of stores inside.
I was thinking - when was the last time I actually strolled through a mall? I checked out the Mall of American when MLA was in Minnesota, but that was 3 years ago and I don't even remember the time before that. There were a couple of times when I needed a specific store at a mall - but I went to them directly. So, my shopping consists of Costco, grocery store, and occasionally Target. The mall made me feel old and out of touch. My typical shopping pattern - or at least thinking of it - made me feel that my world was very small. As I thought of the rest of my life, my entire world felt small. It took me a while to figure out what made me feel that way Shopping was just one aspect of that, but I'm not much of a shopper, so it is not the shopping. I think it was the out-of-touch feel of not recognizing the current "pop culture" or trends that were there. But it was an odd realization to feel so out of place,and out of time. I know, easy to say, change it if you don't like that. However, I'm not ready to do that quite yet. It is very hard for an introvert to do that and I just don't have the energy (or the desire yet) to make that change.
My world was a little bigger when you were here, sure wish you were still here.
Its just me.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
Let me complain a bit ...
I know, somehow, if you were here, you would find a way to make this more bearable. Louie has been missing for nearly 2 weeks now and I don't think I'll ever find him. After how many years of reminding Charlie to be sure the screen was covered by the shutters, he once again didn't, and Louie opened the screen. I tried so hard to move Charlie out - he has been drinking constantly - he just wouldn't go. I briefly considered calling the PERT team but the last time I did that it was simply horrible, so that really wasn't an option. So, I had no choice but to let him stay.
And, because of that, his daughter and nephews got to see him at his drunken best. They really wanted to come down and see Grandma's room - maybe sit in there among her things - but a drunken father/uncle and his mess made that impossible. In hindsight, I'm wishing I had called 911 - I would still have my cat and the kids would have had a much better visit.
It has been a really miserable few months lately. Can you see - does it get better or am I stuck in this mess?
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Really wish you were here
So many times the idea to do this crossed my mind, but I had not yet got around to it. It has been a long 6 months (really, more than that since you've really been here to chat with) and I've often thought that the grieving process was affecting my memory - so many times I could not remember, at all, something at work making me feel as if a bit of gas lighting were going on. At least, I'm hoping it is the grieving process. So maybe, through this, I can retain some of those memories, and find a little peace.
I only have time for this quick initial post. There is much going on - most of it terrible and worse, I am unable to make it any better. I'll add the gory details later and maybe then the tears won't blur my vision.
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